Humbled....

I kinda stink at life right now, I ruin things and I'm just feeling awful right about now. I've heard it said before that the quickest way to ruin a relationship with someone is to actually TRY to have one with them... What?! Really??! Then what are you supposed to do??? Never have a relationship with anyone?? I wish there was something I could do. But how do you fix something, unless you know whats wrong with it? I'm trying to lean on the rock....trying to understand this is God's story, not mine...but it's difficult. Really difficult.
=(

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to this time last year...knowing everything I know now...BUT,  then I don't wish to go back there...because then I might not've experienced the things I've been experiencing this year, and I wouldn't be the person I am today....=/ awkward, isn't it? I feel numb & vulnerable. I think it's good for me. Atleast, that's what I've heard.

And then I hear about other things like divorces, and deaths, and other issues that are bigger than mine, and I feel selfish, and stupid, and immature, and even more lame than I always feel. Sometimes I just love being put in my place....Humbled. Yep. That's how I feel today.

Eight years...WOW!

Eight years ago I made the conscious decision to follow Jesus. I don’t like to say it was the day I was “saved” because I believe I was saved when Jesus died on the cross for me many years ago. February 11th of 2002 was the day that I accepted Jesus Christ for all that He is into my life. This was the day that I decided to never look back on my past mistakes, the day that what I had done no longer defined me. The day that I realized how much value I truly had. The day that I was made fully aware of God’s love for me. I spent the majority of my life before this feeling miserable and keeping myself preoccupied with losing control of my mind. Doing things that were not acceptable and pleasing to Him, I was covering up the deep wound in my heart with affirmation from others and material things. What I experienced on that day was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I walked into a church of about 1000 people, Evangel Temple as a matter of fact. I just remember feeling like I had finally reached home. As if these people were waiting for me, as if God already had my place at His table and was holding nothing against me for taking so long. On that day He also surrounded me with the people that would help me become who I am now. God prepared everything, He clothed me and fed me in ways no one else ever had. The Word says to be anxious over nothing and to only worry about the Father’s kingdom and He will take care of the rest. I can honestly say that on this day I didn’t worry about what anyone would say or think, I didn’t worry about what my life would be without doing the things I had loved to do before. God gave me everything I needed and I developed a trust for Him that surpassed even my own understanding because I don’t know how it got there.


Throughout these past eight years…I have dealt with the good and the bad. Came to points where I didn’t believe God was there anymore, times when I pushed him so far from me that I lost focus of who I had become. I encountered and had relationships with others who dragged me down with them and delayed the blessings God had in store for me. I felt horrible at times again and went back to dealing with my problems the way I used to before this day but in the end…God never left me. His love is stronger than anything else I know. He never stopped dealing with my heart, even when I thought He did. Where I am in my life now is completely unexpected but I shouldn’t be so shocked. I put the Creator of the Universe in such a small place at times and that is where I go wrong. He can and will make all of our dreams come true, because they are his dreams too. He’s making my deepest desires a reality, sooner than I thought because I didn’t have enough hope that they would come. All this being said, February 11th of 2002 was the greatest day of my life. I am forever changed; my heart has been moved and touched by the most powerful love I will ever experience.

1 Peter 1:3-9

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to His great mercy, He has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith - more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire - may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. Though you have not seen Him, you believe in Him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9

I'm a Warrior :)

Sometimes I feel like I'm not winning any battles the Lord places in my life, a fellow blogger had this song Warrior is a Child posted on her site. I think this song can describe all of us at one point in our life. We all fall down and need God to pick us up. We all have things hidden that we don't want other people to see, but no matter what there is ALWAYS going to be a FATHER that sees every need and tear we cry. I'm thankful that I have a God I can depend on and run to and drop my "armor" in front of. I can cry out to my God and He hears me EVERYtime.

http://songlyrics101.info/by_artist/gary_v/warrior_is_a_child.htm

Warrior is a Child by Gary Valenciano

Lately I've been winning battles left and right

But even winners can get wounded in the fight

People say that I'm amazing

Strong beyond my years

But they don't see inside of me

I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best

But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest

People say that I'm amazing

Never face retreat

But they don't see the enemies

That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and and cry for just a while

'Cause deep inside this armor

the warrior is a child

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down

They don't know who picks me up when no one is around

I drop my sword and look up for a smile

'Cause deep inside this armor

Deep inside this armor

Deep inside this armor

The Warrior is a Child

Thankful....

Today I am thankful for.....

God - He saved me
My faith - It blesses me
Life - I'm able to breath today
Love - of my God, family and friends
Family - My soon to be niece or nephew
Friends - Mrs. Barb
My church - Raiford Road
A job
A home

I started thinking the day after New Year's that I would try my best to tell things I'm thankful for and have a better outlook on life. God has woken me up in this new year. He made me realize there are things that I needed to change about the way I live my life. My grandmother fell on Monday and hit her head on some stairs, and she hit them pretty hard. I was scared for her life although she made no big deal about it, she still says her head is really sore. What if that had been the last time I was able to see my grandmother alive? Were there some things that I needed to say to her, like I love you, or are there even some things I may have needed to apoligize for? Like not helping her as much as I should around the house. I know these things may seem so petty, but what if I hadn't told her I loved her lately? I know that she knows I love her, but sometimes it's just better to make sure the people you love, know that you love them. So whoever may read this, I do love you and I am very thankful for you!

{Sorry if it sounded like I was rambling, but there are tons of things going through my mind right now and this is how it happened to come out :)}