Humbled....

I kinda stink at life right now, I ruin things and I'm just feeling awful right about now. I've heard it said before that the quickest way to ruin a relationship with someone is to actually TRY to have one with them... What?! Really??! Then what are you supposed to do??? Never have a relationship with anyone?? I wish there was something I could do. But how do you fix something, unless you know whats wrong with it? I'm trying to lean on the rock....trying to understand this is God's story, not mine...but it's difficult. Really difficult.
=(

Sometimes, I wish I could go back to this time last year...knowing everything I know now...BUT,  then I don't wish to go back there...because then I might not've experienced the things I've been experiencing this year, and I wouldn't be the person I am today....=/ awkward, isn't it? I feel numb & vulnerable. I think it's good for me. Atleast, that's what I've heard.

And then I hear about other things like divorces, and deaths, and other issues that are bigger than mine, and I feel selfish, and stupid, and immature, and even more lame than I always feel. Sometimes I just love being put in my place....Humbled. Yep. That's how I feel today.

Eight years...WOW!

Eight years ago I made the conscious decision to follow Jesus. I don’t like to say it was the day I was “saved” because I believe I was saved when Jesus died on the cross for me many years ago. February 11th of 2002 was the day that I accepted Jesus Christ for all that He is into my life. This was the day that I decided to never look back on my past mistakes, the day that what I had done no longer defined me. The day that I realized how much value I truly had. The day that I was made fully aware of God’s love for me. I spent the majority of my life before this feeling miserable and keeping myself preoccupied with losing control of my mind. Doing things that were not acceptable and pleasing to Him, I was covering up the deep wound in my heart with affirmation from others and material things. What I experienced on that day was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I walked into a church of about 1000 people, Evangel Temple as a matter of fact. I just remember feeling like I had finally reached home. As if these people were waiting for me, as if God already had my place at His table and was holding nothing against me for taking so long. On that day He also surrounded me with the people that would help me become who I am now. God prepared everything, He clothed me and fed me in ways no one else ever had. The Word says to be anxious over nothing and to only worry about the Father’s kingdom and He will take care of the rest. I can honestly say that on this day I didn’t worry about what anyone would say or think, I didn’t worry about what my life would be without doing the things I had loved to do before. God gave me everything I needed and I developed a trust for Him that surpassed even my own understanding because I don’t know how it got there.


Throughout these past eight years…I have dealt with the good and the bad. Came to points where I didn’t believe God was there anymore, times when I pushed him so far from me that I lost focus of who I had become. I encountered and had relationships with others who dragged me down with them and delayed the blessings God had in store for me. I felt horrible at times again and went back to dealing with my problems the way I used to before this day but in the end…God never left me. His love is stronger than anything else I know. He never stopped dealing with my heart, even when I thought He did. Where I am in my life now is completely unexpected but I shouldn’t be so shocked. I put the Creator of the Universe in such a small place at times and that is where I go wrong. He can and will make all of our dreams come true, because they are his dreams too. He’s making my deepest desires a reality, sooner than I thought because I didn’t have enough hope that they would come. All this being said, February 11th of 2002 was the greatest day of my life. I am forever changed; my heart has been moved and touched by the most powerful love I will ever experience.